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Awareness comes slowly. Before I can even consider that I AM I begin to register information. The temperature I get used to and call it optimal. In fact I take it as my own and mimic it in my own self. I Expand. I cannot know that I am being fed its rate is constant. All I need is provided; I Expand. There is no light yet I do not know what light is; there are sounds the slow rhythmic lub lub lub, it is soothing. I Expand. Boundaries, I begin to feel something strange, different. I Expand. I am being crushed. I register new information a sensation I am not familiar with. the temperature changes I feel it all along the edges of my boundaries. My energy source is interrupted. I note that something is missing something I don’t have words for. Instinct causes me to open and orifice and gulp down something cool and acrid. I Scream; I Expand.

I am cold now, the sounds are no longer soothing.My boundaries are being violated. I must accumulate data at an astounding rate just to make sense of what is  happening. I discover my lack of comfort causes a state of emotion I will learn to call fear. I am no longer content. Yet I still expand. no matter how much I want this to end.

I begin to notice a rhythm to this place in which i am existing. Dark Light, Hunger Satiation , Dry Wet, Pain Pleasure , Aware Unaware. Nothing is like it was before the Cold.

This overload to my senses assaults me daily. Too loud, too hard, too long between comforts, I hate this place. When did i learn this emotion. I want to go home. What is that; why do I want it. It fills my thoughts my dreams I don’t like it here, it is not safe. I pull safety around me like a blanket, more and more until I am covered in a shell which cannot be penetrated by anything. Anytime i feel unsafe I pull more covers onto myself.  I create a companion to share my cocoon, I cannot know this companion will be evil, how could I know. I cannot know that I am the source of these feelings as well as the repeated external  boundary intrusions.

Time passes and I Expand. My expansion seems gross and excessive because of my shell of safety. I have forgotten that I created it. That is it not truly my own flesh. I condemn myself for my need for safety. I attempt to shut off my connections to the outside world hoping to return to the time before the Cold. It doesn’t work, yet I do not know another way. Pain is constant now. I begin to contract inside my shell; yet the shell expands, it has a mind of its own.

I wander amongst those who are just as hurt as I am and we hurt each other more bumping and scraping churlishly causing more pain and reveling is the sense of power it gives us. I call myself strong and wise. I am non of these things but how can I know that.

Inside my shell I have died. I am just a ghost of all that my potential promised to be. In that death I find no quick cure. I find no solace. a single faint ray of light whispers of salvation and a return to the time before the cold. Has it been there the whole time, or is it a new offering. Having nothing to lose I grasp at this scanty beam of weak light and pull. I Expand.

Time elapses. I continue to expand. What will the future bring?

Hope.

This was begging to be released this morning.  I need to communicate in imagery  rather than words from time to time.

I dont want to cook anymore.

There i have said it. I have been cooking since i was 5 and i am simply tired of it. It doesn’t help that I am single. It doesn’t help that I truly prefer homes cooked food to restaurant food. None of that means diddly-bubkus. The problem is that I have been cooking day in and day out for 35 years and I am quite simply tired of it. Even worse i don’t really want to eat.  Been doing that one off and on for 10 years at least but the stomach seems to make a pain of itself. and so i eat.

My relationship with food has been stressful to say the least. At the age of 10 i decided that I was officially FAT. Being the logical person i was that meant that calories must be restricted until i was not FAT. Well that never happened I am still FAT and it is only in the last 18 months that I have come to accept that it has way more to do with my trauma than my eating habits and yet I still find myself wanting to restrict calories. Gone are the days when my iron will was able to tell myself that 800 Kcals a day was all we were going to eat so suck it up. I know better. Now it is even more difficult since i know it is my attitude that must change and my fear of ballooning up to SUPREMO-FAT is so strong that I must fight daily to reassure myself that I am safe and loved etc and so can eat.

So i appear to be at an impasse. When I started writing i figured this was truly only about begin tired of cooking, now i see that it has to do with the last hold out of starve-myself-mastery as well. Punishing myself for failing yet again to loose weight in what i conciser a reasonable amount if time. Yesterday i was reminded to support and love myself. I must admit that sometimes i have absolutely no clue what that means. Obviously there is a part of me who save every scrap of food i intake. I recently remembered that food was also restricted from me when i was actually hungry. Why does this have to be so complicated. My onion is so thick can it please be over soon…..  ( concludes rant for the day).  Seriously though, this feels like too much for one person to take on and yet it is only able to be conquered by one person; me.

So I dont want to eat, I dont want to cook and I dont want to eat out.

I have not figured out how to appease the demons inside when i come to hording food or allowing me to have a healthy body.   On the other hand i no longer scorn me verbally on a minute by minute basis, and I do know that it is not about the food i intake or the calories i burn.

Does supporting me mean Cooking or abstaining? Does it mean Eating or abstaining?  In this moment of now I don’t have and answer. I will be content to allow me to not have an answer. My saying “When in doubt do nothing; when you know, execute.”

I shall go back go bed.

PS. My roommate just came in the office and asked me what i was staring off into space for. I told her I was hungry and didnt want to eat. Her reply?

“That is a common problem for you isn’t it.”  I laughed she replied ” Just stating facts here”

Le sigh

O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
My tables,—meet it is I set it down,
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain:
At least I ’m sure it may be so in Denmark.

Hamlet. ACT I Scene 5.

Well now, today I post something current.

I convinced my Naturopath to allow me to test out a product she had on her desk unopened for 6 months. It is the HeartMath emWave® Desktop In the 48 hours i have had it I have learned more about my physiological state than I have ever known.

  1. I am very ( let me repeat) VERY anxious.
  2. I have not yet recorded a relaxed state of mind
  3. I do not yet have an understanding of what thoughts bring me to “coherence”
  4. The more I quiet my mind the less “coherent” I become

Anxiety

I am anxious. I honestly didn’t know. I think others especially health care practitioners of the subtle energy variety have attempted to communicate this to be in their many and varied language patterns, however the bottom line is that I am a data kind of guy and i didn’t have a baseline for comparison.  Assuming you have read Unbelievable you are aware that I have had trauma in my life. What you may not be aware of is that until 2006 I considered myself wounded but stable and well-adjusted. When I was first told that I was angry by someone I had to listen to, I simply could not accept that truth. I mean look at my and my history. From my point of view I had the patience of Job ( flaws and all) I held a steady job in a stressful environment and excelled. I knew what anger looked like and I was not HER ( my mother ) so how could I have anger. Needless to say I have learned to accept that truth now and it was the first leg of my journey. For me finding a way to access that specific emotion was grueling since I had buried it under my jail of logic and thrown away the key. Then once I was aware that I did indeed possess said anger I had to face my fear of the ramifications of that fact. Consider, I choose at 21 to have a vasectomy performed to that I would reduce my possibility of becoming a child abuser to zero. I simply would never allow for me to have the opportunity to ever be what my parents had been to me ( at the time I didn’t know what I know now about my father so I considered them both to blame). To realize that I have both the experienced to become anxious and the right to be anxious has also been a truth slow in the dawning.

Relaxation

When I first began to use this product I looked forward to the hard evidence that It would provide me. I knew that good actionable intelligence would be provided yet I didn’t know what to expect. I sat down and installed the software, brought the unit to operational readiness and set min mind to that state I have come to think of as meditative, I admit that I wanted good results. The units result? Stress… hmm ok try thinking of different things; that moves me slightly towards coherence, however no where neat relaxed. Closing my eyes? Nope. OK let’s try this during a nap, NOPE. while sleeping? LOL more stress actually that when awake ( OMG, how will I deal with that?) Honestly I began to doubt the product, so I asked a friend to try it out. Bad news for me; she was able to achieve all three states, apparently at will ( I wonder if begin a mother gives her some special powers). So I am left with this knowledge so far. I do not yet know how to relax and I must realize that I do not simply relax.

Coherence

“Stress creates incoherence in our heart rhythms. However, when we are in a state of high heart rhythm coherence the nervous system, heart, hormonal and immune systems are working efficiently and we feel good emotionally. emWave Personal Stress Reliever helps you reduce your emotional stress by displaying your level of heart rhythm coherence in real-time. But emWave does more than just display coherence levels. It guides you toward stress relief by training you to shift into a coherent, high performance state.”  – HeartMath Institute

“Are you a good witch, or a bad witch”. Turns out my mind and my body don’t necessarily agree on that topic. Thoughts I thought would bring me peace and coherence actually did just the opposite. This will take many more sessions to iron out however I think that this will give me a clear path to ironing out neural wrinkles that have so far evaded detection. Honestly while being startled at the results, this is the one that provides me with the least amount of concern.

Quietude

And now for the pièce de résistance. I learned mindful mediation as I was beginning to work on my path toward healing. In fact I started it pre-path to be honest. While I have not kept a schedule I can be proud of I have continued to do it as I can. I have of late come to the dawning conclusion that guided meditations are better for me, but always preferred mindful meditation because i had a belief that it was a superior method. In my case that has been proven to not be true. Here is why I think that is true. My coherence scores are consistently greatly improved when I am full of thought. my lowest scores come when I am in a state of mindfulness, followed by when I am in a state of sleep. For me, something about having no thoughts, disquiets my soul. I have theorized that this had to do with the fact that I used to have an inner dialog that ran 24/7 and now since learning that I must control my thoughts I have begun to follow the adage that if I don’t have anything nice to say I say nothing. I am aware that i have lost conscious control of my heart rate. I assumed that something was broken inside my circulatory system, today I begin to suspect that my running inner dialog was a sort of security blanket that I have forcibly removed from myself. Without this calming effect of background noise part of me is panicked and repressed. I simply took away the bad thoughts, I didn’t replace them with  a similar amount of positive thoughts. Do not misunderstand me I have positive thoughts and I control my negative thoughts by re-framing them as needed. Given how much my mind and apparently my body have come to rely on my running dialog to be “happy” I have simply not kept up pace.

This leads to an interesting conundrum. I have come to welcome the silence of the inner voices. yet it appears that my body doesn’t agree with me. For now i will begin using guided meditations as a regular part of my process. I will also be more mindful of providing positive affirmations on a regular basis to soothe the bodies need for that. I do not have any other ideas at this time. if anyone has something to share please feel free to let me know.

Unbelievable

The boy would never be believed, how could he be in this day and age. Children often perceive things incorrectly, nightmares out of shadows, monsters under the bed. The boy must simply misunderstand. Anything else would be unbelievable.

The boy is five years old. He sits on a Naugahyde armchair. Tears are streaming from his eyes like a leaky faucet. The boy does not know why he is being yelled at, does not know what he has done. His face twisted with rage, He is screaming at the boy that it is all his fault,” If you had never been born I would be somebody by now, I would not have had to quit school!” The diatribe goes on for what seems like eternity, and it is here that the boy learns how to hate himself.

The boy is going fishing with Him. He never goes anywhere, but this is a special occasion, the boy is six now. He is always working, so much so that the boy does not see him, barely knows him, except for church. She insists that everyone goes to church; even He will not disobey Her on this point. The boy is excited; He lets the boy use His best reel. It is 1976 and even though Martin Luther King is long gone, racism is not. The boy catches a 12” bass, the legal limit is 13”. The fish is still on the hook, barely out of the water. A game warden that does not want them on “his” lake anyway, writes Him a ticket for breaking the law. He vows never to take the boy fishing again; the boy is only bad luck.

The boy was not sleepy; they should have made him go outside to play. After fifteen minutes of a nap he did not want, the boy goes to ask if he can go outside to play. They are having sex. The boy instantly understands. They catch him. She tells him they are making a child, a brother for the boy. She says the brother will be something they chose to have, a child they could love. The boy understands far more than She intended to convey.

The company has left, the night was lots of fun for a seven year old, all his friends were there, and he did nothing for which She could complain. “Wash all the dishes and then go to bed, and they better be cleaned to my satisfaction” She tells the boy. She goes to bed; after all, it is late. The boy tries and tries but the food will not come off, he cannot get the dishes clean. He changes the water repeatedly. Finally asleep up to his arms in suds he reasons that he can get up before She does and finish them, after they soak all night. The boy toddles off to bed. During the night She awakens, checks the dishes; she does not like what she sees. A sharp pain awakens the boy. Repeatedly he is stuck, on his legs, his back, his face, the belt leaving welts every place it kisses him. “I told you to wash the dishes!”

The boy is curious, he has seen matches before, but has never struck one himself. The boy’s cousins dare him to strike the match, and only being eight the boy does not consider all the dangers or consequences. The match is struck, it makes a funny smell; the boy does not remember matches having a smell. She smells it, she know what it is. “What is going on in here?” They all are afraid, the boy is sick with fear. They all lie; She allows them, She knows they are lying. Then one by one, the cousins tell on the boy. There is school tomorrow so she is careful to direct her blows to those places that will not show a mark in public. The boy will have a permanent scar from this, and sitting is not possible the rest of the day. They boy cries himself to sleep on his stomach.

The boy is sick of the abuse, nine years is nine too many. He hates his life and everyone in it. He would run away if he could think of a way to do so and get away with it. No one ever believes him, no one cares, She is too good at hiding the truth. He does not care. If the boy cannot run away, he will kill himself. The boy goes to the medicine cabinet and takes too much of everything he finds in it. Finally, the boy will know peace.

The boy wakes up with a sour, bitter taste in his mouth. They take the boy to therapy; They want to know why the boy would do such a thing. It is simply unbelievable.

Wishing and Hoping and Praying

From the instant we became conscious, we have been in an environment that responds to our every thought every emotion with the answer yes.  As children we seem to be exempt from the cause and effect rule of this place; many who have noticed this say that “God takes care of fools and babies”. At some point, which differs for everyone, we enter a time where we become responsible for our choices. An interesting things happens in that magical moment. We begin queuing up wishes, demands, desires whatever you want to call them.

Universal Provider

The universe is designed to provide everything we choose. I am using the word choose over want or desire for one reason. We must choose to receive and we must affirm that choice multiple times. Many authors have discussed this point, from Abraham Hicks ( cue drum beats) to Lao Tzu. What I want to remind people of here is that what we affirm repeatedly we get. This give us an understanding that sometimes I have been guilty of missing. In this place we find ourselves there are rules, “Some can be bent, Others can be broken”, and for the average person those two things are not an option. They find themselves constrained by the rules of this place.

Cause and Effect.

We are all very well aware of the rule of cause and effect. I would offer that this time in history is obsessed with exploring it. One example is the Red-Light Camera System. We (in many places) have collectively decided that people who run red lights simply must face the consequences.   This is an example of a universal rule playing out in a mundane fashion here and now.  In this example a person runs a red light and several days later receives the ticket ( lets ignore for my purposes the accuracy of such systems please) . Since we have time and space here we also have duration.  Some causes create near term effects and some long-term. Conception happens in an instant, birth follows on ( in humans) about 9 months later, and parental responsibility follow for a longer time still.

We all accept that some effects have their durations and in general we don’t think much of it. That is until we begin to seek to change our lives. Whether we call it magnetism, Law of Attraction, The Secret, or what have you once we begin to suspect that we have an ability to change our lives in a profound way we begin to chafe.

Duration

We have been using the rules all our lives without understanding them, much as a child of today begins using a computer without having a clue how they came into being. We are all children in some fashion and that brings with it some idealization. I want to communicate that while Yes the LOA (I use law of attraction more often than not) does exist we have to remember that we have been using it since we began to feel the effects of our choices. It then follows that we have a pipeline of choices that are playing out cause and effect that we simply must endure , we made the choices and we cannot in our infancy bend or break the rules.  We simply must endure the effects of our cause.

Pause

Most effects beget new cause. Think about that for a minute, Cause, Thirst, Effect, Obtain thirst quenching fluid,cause full bladder, effect empty bladder. Since that is the case how to we escape the loop we find ourselves in to get to another reality? Pause. Stop, Cease movement. While is it possible to make a 90 degree turn at 45 miles an hours it is generally considered a great way to flip your vehicle, and possibly cause death. So you stop then execute the turn. the same principle applies here. You have to stop at least in the early days of your practice to actually make a shift or a turn.  Once you come to a full stop it becomes easy to navigate the change.

Resistance.

Who wants to stop, no one really wants to stop. Most of us will use language which seems to indicate that we have no Choice in the matter. DON’T GET ME STARTED. We choose not to choose to stop is the reality. WE are invested in seeing our choices be correct after all we choose them. What we need to realize is that we chose them in ignorance ( If i knew them what i know now….. ) so why would we want to resist something we have now realized will make our lives better, I am not advocating stupidity, some choices you should not undo even if you made them wrongly to begin with. However many choices we can and should remake and for most of us that means letting go of the stubborn desire to make wrong right.

Bottom line.

I once heard it said that you must slow down to speed up. At the time I thought the concept was OK but how to apply it to my daily life confounded me. Now i realize that is takes discipline, and an iron will. I also know that the first step is the hardest and I can tell you form my own experience that subsequent steps are progressively easier to take and require less energy , discipline, or will power. It is worth taking each and every step. Your reality will thank you

On the Universe

So I was commenting on a friends blog and as I was writing I decided that I had more to say. I will post my comment in full first.

“I enjoyed reading your thoughts. It shows me that you have raised your understanding to a new level and that is always to be applauded. I appreciate that the universe is a grand place of learning and exploration. I find it of particular interest that the universe appears ( at least to me) to be very consistent. From what I see the universe applies the same laws and principles at all levels of creation. A quick example is that atoms group together to form elements and elements group together to form molecules etc until you get to the point where people group together to form nations or planetary bodies group together to form solar systems and eventually the universe.  It is the same mechanism over and over again. Understanding one principle can cause you to understand all of creation. Great going Alice. Whatever will you find in that rabbit hole.”

Universal principals are just that . They are foundational and rarely change. I say rarely because of two things. #1 I am on omniscient #2 I think I have seen changes in laws within my lifetime but I could be wrong.  Regardless. somethings are immutable. Attraction is one law that appears to be foundational.  Neutrons attract protons, together they attract electrons. and this is done to obtain a balance and create something. males and females are attractive to each other. again for creative purpose. If this is indeed a foundational truth then one could extrapolate that all things in this plane of existence have some element of attraction.  One thing I notice from my own experience is that when I am unhappy I attract events people places and things that have the ability to create more unhappiness. Likewise when I am happy I do the same thing, attract happiness. This is not new information, however since I am still rather close chronologically from my unhappy period I can see the delta that  ” getting my mind right” created.

I also must express my gratitude to the universe for something I noticed recently, that has to do with the Law of Attraction.  I live in s large subdivision, over 2000 houses at last count. This subdivision is still growing and the city is placing trees in the median as cities do. The tree of choice? Bradford Pear. You may like them, I do not. I do not like one thing about them and when I realized that I would be getting one ( of course the city doesn’t ask you what you want) I began to look into alternatives. I went to the cities website and looked up all the allowable trees with the intent that I would pay for the tree of my choice out of my own money and take out the pear on the day they dropped it in my front yard. I was going to buy it , pull the pear out by its roots and replace it with the tree I wanted. It was that important to me. As the builders finished my brand new home and I signed for the mortgage I began to wait for the city to dig that hole. one year passed. two years passed. My company sent me to work in Nashville TN for 10 months . I have to admit I forgot about my nefarious scheme. I am driving home one day from Nashville and I notice an Oak tree in front of my house, and at that time I rejoiced that I didn’t have to spend my weekend finding a tree I liked ( I had also forgotten what tree I wanted)  two more years go by and I am walking down my block and I really noticed; the rest of the block on my side of the street are maples and after that back to pears.

So uhm, wait a minute. you mean to tell me that out of 2000 houses about 15 get maples trees and the rest are pears. YUP!!!

Never underestimate the Law of Attraction.

My friend he was; my friend from all the rest; With childlike faith he oped to me his breast; No door was locked on altar, grave or grief; No weakness veiled, concealed no disbelief; The hope, the sorrow and the wrong were bare, And ah, the shadow only showed the fair. I gave him love for love; but, deep within, I magnified each frailty into sin; Each hill-topped foible in the sunset glowed, Obscuring vales where rivered virtues flowed. Reproof became reproach, till common grew The captious word at every fault I knew. He smiled upon the censorship, and bore With patient love the touch that wounded sore; Until at length, so had my blindness grown, He knew I judged him by his faults alone. Alone, of all men, I who knew him best, Refused the gold, to take the dross for test! Cold strangers honored for the worth they saw; His friend forgot the diamond in the flaw. At last it came–the day he stood apart, When from my eyes he proudly veiled his heart; When carping judgment and uncertain word A stern resentment in his bosom stirred; When in his face I read what I had been, And with his vision saw what he had seen. Too late! too late! Oh, could he then have known, When his love died, that mine had perfect grown; That when the veil was drawn, abased, chastised, The censor stood, the lost one truly prized. Too late we learn–a man must hold his friend Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end.