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Archive for May, 2010

Awareness comes slowly. Before I can even consider that I AM I begin to register information. The temperature I get used to and call it optimal. In fact I take it as my own and mimic it in my own self. I Expand. I cannot know that I am being fed its rate is constant. All I need is provided; I Expand. There is no light yet I do not know what light is; there are sounds the slow rhythmic lub lub lub, it is soothing. I Expand. Boundaries, I begin to feel something strange, different. I Expand. I am being crushed. I register new information a sensation I am not familiar with. the temperature changes I feel it all along the edges of my boundaries. My energy source is interrupted. I note that something is missing something I don’t have words for. Instinct causes me to open and orifice and gulp down something cool and acrid. I Scream; I Expand.

I am cold now, the sounds are no longer soothing.My boundaries are being violated. I must accumulate data at an astounding rate just to make sense of what is  happening. I discover my lack of comfort causes a state of emotion I will learn to call fear. I am no longer content. Yet I still expand. no matter how much I want this to end.

I begin to notice a rhythm to this place in which i am existing. Dark Light, Hunger Satiation , Dry Wet, Pain Pleasure , Aware Unaware. Nothing is like it was before the Cold.

This overload to my senses assaults me daily. Too loud, too hard, too long between comforts, I hate this place. When did i learn this emotion. I want to go home. What is that; why do I want it. It fills my thoughts my dreams I don’t like it here, it is not safe. I pull safety around me like a blanket, more and more until I am covered in a shell which cannot be penetrated by anything. Anytime i feel unsafe I pull more covers onto myself.  I create a companion to share my cocoon, I cannot know this companion will be evil, how could I know. I cannot know that I am the source of these feelings as well as the repeated external  boundary intrusions.

Time passes and I Expand. My expansion seems gross and excessive because of my shell of safety. I have forgotten that I created it. That is it not truly my own flesh. I condemn myself for my need for safety. I attempt to shut off my connections to the outside world hoping to return to the time before the Cold. It doesn’t work, yet I do not know another way. Pain is constant now. I begin to contract inside my shell; yet the shell expands, it has a mind of its own.

I wander amongst those who are just as hurt as I am and we hurt each other more bumping and scraping churlishly causing more pain and reveling is the sense of power it gives us. I call myself strong and wise. I am non of these things but how can I know that.

Inside my shell I have died. I am just a ghost of all that my potential promised to be. In that death I find no quick cure. I find no solace. a single faint ray of light whispers of salvation and a return to the time before the cold. Has it been there the whole time, or is it a new offering. Having nothing to lose I grasp at this scanty beam of weak light and pull. I Expand.

Time elapses. I continue to expand. What will the future bring?

Hope.

This was begging to be released this morning.  I need to communicate in imagery  rather than words from time to time.

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I dont want to cook anymore.

There i have said it. I have been cooking since i was 5 and i am simply tired of it. It doesn’t help that I am single. It doesn’t help that I truly prefer homes cooked food to restaurant food. None of that means diddly-bubkus. The problem is that I have been cooking day in and day out for 35 years and I am quite simply tired of it. Even worse i don’t really want to eat.  Been doing that one off and on for 10 years at least but the stomach seems to make a pain of itself. and so i eat.

My relationship with food has been stressful to say the least. At the age of 10 i decided that I was officially FAT. Being the logical person i was that meant that calories must be restricted until i was not FAT. Well that never happened I am still FAT and it is only in the last 18 months that I have come to accept that it has way more to do with my trauma than my eating habits and yet I still find myself wanting to restrict calories. Gone are the days when my iron will was able to tell myself that 800 Kcals a day was all we were going to eat so suck it up. I know better. Now it is even more difficult since i know it is my attitude that must change and my fear of ballooning up to SUPREMO-FAT is so strong that I must fight daily to reassure myself that I am safe and loved etc and so can eat.

So i appear to be at an impasse. When I started writing i figured this was truly only about begin tired of cooking, now i see that it has to do with the last hold out of starve-myself-mastery as well. Punishing myself for failing yet again to loose weight in what i conciser a reasonable amount if time. Yesterday i was reminded to support and love myself. I must admit that sometimes i have absolutely no clue what that means. Obviously there is a part of me who save every scrap of food i intake. I recently remembered that food was also restricted from me when i was actually hungry. Why does this have to be so complicated. My onion is so thick can it please be over soon…..  ( concludes rant for the day).  Seriously though, this feels like too much for one person to take on and yet it is only able to be conquered by one person; me.

So I dont want to eat, I dont want to cook and I dont want to eat out.

I have not figured out how to appease the demons inside when i come to hording food or allowing me to have a healthy body.   On the other hand i no longer scorn me verbally on a minute by minute basis, and I do know that it is not about the food i intake or the calories i burn.

Does supporting me mean Cooking or abstaining? Does it mean Eating or abstaining?  In this moment of now I don’t have and answer. I will be content to allow me to not have an answer. My saying “When in doubt do nothing; when you know, execute.”

I shall go back go bed.

PS. My roommate just came in the office and asked me what i was staring off into space for. I told her I was hungry and didnt want to eat. Her reply?

“That is a common problem for you isn’t it.”  I laughed she replied ” Just stating facts here”

Le sigh

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O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
My tables,—meet it is I set it down,
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain:
At least I ’m sure it may be so in Denmark.

Hamlet. ACT I Scene 5.

Well now, today I post something current.

I convinced my Naturopath to allow me to test out a product she had on her desk unopened for 6 months. It is the HeartMath emWave® Desktop In the 48 hours i have had it I have learned more about my physiological state than I have ever known.

  1. I am very ( let me repeat) VERY anxious.
  2. I have not yet recorded a relaxed state of mind
  3. I do not yet have an understanding of what thoughts bring me to “coherence”
  4. The more I quiet my mind the less “coherent” I become

Anxiety

I am anxious. I honestly didn’t know. I think others especially health care practitioners of the subtle energy variety have attempted to communicate this to be in their many and varied language patterns, however the bottom line is that I am a data kind of guy and i didn’t have a baseline for comparison.  Assuming you have read Unbelievable you are aware that I have had trauma in my life. What you may not be aware of is that until 2006 I considered myself wounded but stable and well-adjusted. When I was first told that I was angry by someone I had to listen to, I simply could not accept that truth. I mean look at my and my history. From my point of view I had the patience of Job ( flaws and all) I held a steady job in a stressful environment and excelled. I knew what anger looked like and I was not HER ( my mother ) so how could I have anger. Needless to say I have learned to accept that truth now and it was the first leg of my journey. For me finding a way to access that specific emotion was grueling since I had buried it under my jail of logic and thrown away the key. Then once I was aware that I did indeed possess said anger I had to face my fear of the ramifications of that fact. Consider, I choose at 21 to have a vasectomy performed to that I would reduce my possibility of becoming a child abuser to zero. I simply would never allow for me to have the opportunity to ever be what my parents had been to me ( at the time I didn’t know what I know now about my father so I considered them both to blame). To realize that I have both the experienced to become anxious and the right to be anxious has also been a truth slow in the dawning.

Relaxation

When I first began to use this product I looked forward to the hard evidence that It would provide me. I knew that good actionable intelligence would be provided yet I didn’t know what to expect. I sat down and installed the software, brought the unit to operational readiness and set min mind to that state I have come to think of as meditative, I admit that I wanted good results. The units result? Stress… hmm ok try thinking of different things; that moves me slightly towards coherence, however no where neat relaxed. Closing my eyes? Nope. OK let’s try this during a nap, NOPE. while sleeping? LOL more stress actually that when awake ( OMG, how will I deal with that?) Honestly I began to doubt the product, so I asked a friend to try it out. Bad news for me; she was able to achieve all three states, apparently at will ( I wonder if begin a mother gives her some special powers). So I am left with this knowledge so far. I do not yet know how to relax and I must realize that I do not simply relax.

Coherence

“Stress creates incoherence in our heart rhythms. However, when we are in a state of high heart rhythm coherence the nervous system, heart, hormonal and immune systems are working efficiently and we feel good emotionally. emWave Personal Stress Reliever helps you reduce your emotional stress by displaying your level of heart rhythm coherence in real-time. But emWave does more than just display coherence levels. It guides you toward stress relief by training you to shift into a coherent, high performance state.”  – HeartMath Institute

“Are you a good witch, or a bad witch”. Turns out my mind and my body don’t necessarily agree on that topic. Thoughts I thought would bring me peace and coherence actually did just the opposite. This will take many more sessions to iron out however I think that this will give me a clear path to ironing out neural wrinkles that have so far evaded detection. Honestly while being startled at the results, this is the one that provides me with the least amount of concern.

Quietude

And now for the pièce de résistance. I learned mindful mediation as I was beginning to work on my path toward healing. In fact I started it pre-path to be honest. While I have not kept a schedule I can be proud of I have continued to do it as I can. I have of late come to the dawning conclusion that guided meditations are better for me, but always preferred mindful meditation because i had a belief that it was a superior method. In my case that has been proven to not be true. Here is why I think that is true. My coherence scores are consistently greatly improved when I am full of thought. my lowest scores come when I am in a state of mindfulness, followed by when I am in a state of sleep. For me, something about having no thoughts, disquiets my soul. I have theorized that this had to do with the fact that I used to have an inner dialog that ran 24/7 and now since learning that I must control my thoughts I have begun to follow the adage that if I don’t have anything nice to say I say nothing. I am aware that i have lost conscious control of my heart rate. I assumed that something was broken inside my circulatory system, today I begin to suspect that my running inner dialog was a sort of security blanket that I have forcibly removed from myself. Without this calming effect of background noise part of me is panicked and repressed. I simply took away the bad thoughts, I didn’t replace them with  a similar amount of positive thoughts. Do not misunderstand me I have positive thoughts and I control my negative thoughts by re-framing them as needed. Given how much my mind and apparently my body have come to rely on my running dialog to be “happy” I have simply not kept up pace.

This leads to an interesting conundrum. I have come to welcome the silence of the inner voices. yet it appears that my body doesn’t agree with me. For now i will begin using guided meditations as a regular part of my process. I will also be more mindful of providing positive affirmations on a regular basis to soothe the bodies need for that. I do not have any other ideas at this time. if anyone has something to share please feel free to let me know.

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