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Archive for March, 2010

A Fathers Love

Well yesterday i went to speak to my father. Perhaps this is becoming a yearly ritual. In any event I Woke yesterday with he knowledge that I had to go see him. As i was leaving it became important to take several of my own sacred object with me, I knew then that this would be no ordinary meeting. The short story is I finally have an understanding of why my father sent me away. When i was twelve I threatened my mother during one of my least deserved beatings. ( none of them were deserved i know) I raised my fist to her and i have always assumed that nothing changed as a result of that action. I was wrong, something did change just not where i could see it.My mother apparently no longer felt the same rush beating me that she used to feel because that year she started beating my father.  five years later he began to wonder if she was capable of treating her children in the same manner. My fathers mother ( according to him ) was an angelic creature and so it was beyond his experience for a mother to harm a child. Unfortunately for all concerned she had beaten her children from birth. After i graduated high school he began to feel fear for me ans when he decided he could not stay in such an abusive situation he woke on the couch one morning and saw me coming down the hallway and said the words that have haunted my heart for over 20 years now. He said to me

“Get Out , I don’t care that you don’t have the money to live on your own, I will pay for your car insurance, but you get out of this house today and never come back.”

My goodness what a bit of perspective can do to a sentence. He had been to the police and to attorneys about his own abuse and in 1989 male spousal abuse was the stuff of legend, so of course he could never tell me , how could he have expected to be believed. I know that pain, I didn’t know he knew that pain.

This morning I call my father. I told him that I appreciated that he was always trying to do right by me. I apologized my my childhood angst. How much could one man do in that situation. He did the best he could … he did the very best he could. I am proud of him.

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I have not blogged for a while and even thought i know that means a loss of followers I simply didn’t have much to talk about. However recently i feel that stuff is changing. By stuff i mean everything and nothing at the same time. People have moved in and out of my circle. perceptions have shifted.  I am realizing how important consistency is in everything and that there are somethings that must be done regardless of the way i feel about them ( and thus learning to get my feelings right about them ) .

I am human just like the rest of us ( huge admission here people) and that mean i am learning to do this life things daily.

I AM

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